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The African Odyssey - Suzi and Bart tour Africa.

The Jungle Diaries  

(These diary extracts are relayed verbatim by a Turko Sicilian Fifer, so they must be true)


Day 1….

Not sure what day it is, feels like we have been travelling for 1 day. The GPS is playing up but according to the local natives we are in Piet Retief, Mpumalanga, easy for them to say. 

The heat…the demm heat and the flies…the demm flies. The temperature must be ohhh 28 degrees C exactly. The natives who must look upon us as some strange apparition who appears out of the shivering heat….the heat…the demm heat and the flies…the demm flies have pursued us relentlessly looking for trinkets and spare parts for BMWs. 

Today we managed to outrun them narrowly avoiding the cows, donkeys and deer they threw at us, tho they did look bonnie, the animals that is. Today I thought we drove thro a deep valley but it just turned out to be a pothole. Bugger they are big.

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                     The Bikes are prepared for the Journey, BMW 650 and 1200LT.


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Pete and Suzi scooting through Mpumalanga

Day 2 -

By travelling 500 + Km today we managed to out-run the packs of wild dogs that have been pursuing Bart and me (for me/narrator read Suz). The down side is a sore arse. En-route we passed Warthogs with babies and we had one moment when we had to perform some nifty manoeuvres to avoid a herd of wild Elephants that crossed our path. Pheeeew close one but the baby Elephants were sooo cute. 

We decided to set up camp alongside the Zambezi River, we had a stunning site here where we could make use of the land i.e. the Hotel, beer, food, Jacuzzi. Note to self, must mention to management that I never requested the Baboon and Monkey wake up call but they are sooo cute. 

Ohh and the heat…the demm heat and the flies…the demm flies.


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Day 3

Today we broke camp early to avoid the heat…the demm heat and the flies…the demm flies. Bart carried out a basic service on all our gear before we left i.e full engine rebuilds re-spray and a new flex on my hair dryer. 

Disaster struck even before we left, I could not find my make up, bloody Baboons. Once this was recovered and I had sorted my hair we were off. 

Today we planned to travel to the very heart of the jungle and trade with a tribe called the Umboggin Tribe who lived near the Victoria Falls. On arriving at their camp we were absolutely lost for words……these people were savages, the drove around on Scooters…….Bloody scooters….Oh and the Victoria falls…..amazing, absolutely spectacular. Anyway Bart says we are giving these Boogers Nowt Man so we packed up our trade goods, Bottles of Grouse, some Super Lager and some Stella Actatwat. Oh and some Dove facial creame I did not like and headed of to find a suitable base camp for the night. Preferably one with a load of rooms, Satellite TV and a fridge in it. 

Oh yes and we saw some more of those lovely animals again today, Elephant, Warthog, Monkey, Baboon and Impala. Place seems to be full of them

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                            Admire the soft pastel shades

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                                   Dan and Zena's place - self catering paradise




Day 475:

Running low on food still got plenty of Cheesy Wotsits and Cheese Dunkers though we must do something quickly before our stock levels become critical.

As we battled our way thro the interior of this jungle the heat was becoming unbearable, the demm heat and the flies…the demm flies, Bart is sunburned to the extent that his face can start bush fires. As we were starting to become despondent we came upon the Zambezi river, great shouted Bart and at once started to assemble his trusty 11’ Hardy split cane fly rods, one for him with a wee slow sinking line and one for moi with a floater. Very soon were reeling in Tiger fish and bream, in no time at our entire larder was full. We gutted and cooked the fish over an open fire started by Barts sunburned body and ate like…..well people do when they are peckish….Braw. 

Once we broke camp we headed out over the plain riding hard looking for a suitable camp site for the evening, in front of us were all sort of creature, Elephant (again) Giraffe, (have I mentioned these before) Impala, Warthog (now these I have mentioned before, bloody ugly thing). However, new to the list is Mongoose, Kudu and Hippo.


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                           The weary troops arrive at Chobe Lodge


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There is no fence between us and this big old elephant


omg - real live wild elephants






















                               Safari by BMW - now that is a new experience





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Some kind of Monkey


Day 674 and a half:

Awoke bright and pissed….again. The sun is shinning….again and it is hot…again…..bloody flies. After discussing with the Oracle what road to take…we took one and ended up traveling 500 + Km and ended up in Swaziland.

I said we should have turned left at Umbuttockparp Gorge but oh no…what did I know. Any way,,,the plus side was stunning scenery……greeeeeeat twisty roads…that is until the tarmac ran out and lo,,,,Paris Dakar Rally type stuff. And…and….i got covered in dust oh…my…..god…my hair, it looked awful. And to top it all Bart had a blow out…..in his socks, after 4250 km his piles failed him.

So what now….try and find the road back to our camp for the night where I am sure there are more bloody Elephants, Monkeys, Baboons, I mean really.



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                     The obligatory Africa Sunset shot

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                                                   Sunset over the Zambezi




Day 625:
Day off Knackered.  Went fishing again saw more bloody elephants, never caught one tho.

Planning to head south now before the rains come and our hire agreement for the bikes runs out.



Day 481:

Today broke bright and sunny….there’s a shock eh. Botswana, after getting ratarsed last nite in the Snake Reserve and running up a huge bar bill we could not pay we decided to make a run for it.


500+ km run back to South Africa thro the stifling heat the demm heat and the flies…the demm flies.

Narrowly missing Zebra and more bloody Elephants, Anyway, keep close more details on our thrilling adventure to come.


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                               Lets stop on this narrow bridge for a rest  :-)




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                  Suzi stops for mid run hair rescue




Day 889:

Took a wrong turning again at Koodyagowapint cross roads, all was not lost tho as we found a beautiful place to stop. We were in a place called Umknackered which is in St Lucia on an estuary which was teaming with wildlife. 

And it rained..rained. Must be almost time to come home, getting broken in gently cause I bet it will be pissin down when we get home. Any way carry on folks.

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          Before the dual carriage way was built i think?

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                                                  Helmet on checking for spiders